'You always seem to land with my bum in the butter'!

Is what someone once told me. (The phrase with one's bum in the butter is chiefly used in South Africa, Britain, and Australia and refers to being in a very fortunate or advantageous situation or position). I look back over my life, and I see that to be true.

I have gone through significant loss in my life. My father left the family when I was 7, (he died when I was in my 20's but we were estranged for most of my life.) I lost my mom when I was 11. I had 2 miscarriage's. I lost 2 dear sister in laws , Heather and Marilyn , my husband's Granny Burden, my step mother, Yvonne, his uncle Jock, my sister, Dianne, my brother Richard, and most significantly my beautiful daughter Dakota. Looking back on all of these beautiful souls, I realize there is no way that I have managed to get this far in life reasonably unscathed. I have had help. Sadly I never allowed myself to process each of their passing's, and would pick my self up, sweep my feelings under the carpet and just get on with life. But now I have been bought to my knees with the passing of Dakota, all of losses have caught up to me and I am sitting with all this unprocessed hurt.

I am allowing my self to go back to spend time with each of them as they came through my life, and thank them for the time I had here with them. I have to acknowledge that although I was unaware of their presence or the signs they sent me, I always just put all my good fortune down to God/the Universe helping me. Which no doubt He did, but now I realize that much of the help must have come from one of my passed loved ones.

Since Dakota's passing, I have been diagnosed with what is called complicated grief. I have pretty much self-isolated for the last few years, because I was totally knocked to the ground. Take all the deaths I have gone through, add in leaving the continent I loved the most in my life (Africa), and yes I can see how this diagnosis fits me.

I could never understand how grief could affect someone for so long and how they could cry, long after the death of their loved one. I was somewhat heartless and uncompassionate towards people and would callously tell my own family to just get over it, (whatever hurt they were expressing.) I was not the most sympathetic mother and would tell my kids to get over it, what ever hurt them. I had buried all my hurt, very rarely cried and expected them to be tough and hide their feelings too. I was quite a bitxx

If I had not found yoga, and the other healing practices that I have used, I would have found myself at the bottom of a bottle of wine, no doubt. I always felt God/Universe was with me throughout my life, there is no way I could have managed, but I also see that I had help from my departed loved ones. There were so many lucky coincidences and what I realize now were signs, or God winks as my friend Marcy calls them.

The concept of death in Mexican culture is one unlike any other in the world – as they mourn death, they also celebrate it with humour and joy. One of Mexico's biggest and most widely known traditions is 'Día de los Muertos' which means 'Day of the Dead. I have purposely organized my retreat around this holiday so we can not only mourn the death of our loved ones but also celebrate them.

You can go to my website, or message me if you want to find out more.